Growth, Grad School, and New Beginnings
Lately, I've been surrounded by the efforts of healing. Winter doesn't seem so cruel or isolating; birthdays seem less as if I'm asking permission for another year to exist. It's been a series of small compromises escalating into accepting myself one piece at a time. It's been slow, sometimes excruciatingly so, but I feel as if a page is finally turning. Those white bedsheets of past hauntings may have a home in my closet, but their skeletons don't reanimate. In that silence, I have found so much hope.
As for more recent events, I recently majored in computer science. Now, I am beginning a master’s degree in CS with a thesis revolving around cybersecurity and machine learning systems. Yup, I signed back on for the academic carousel I’ve been so desperate to get off. This was honestly the last thing I thought I would ever do, but I had a very persuasive former professor, now my advisor, who has been a great supporter and advocate for my professional growth. I couldn’t reasonably refuse the opportunity: I will have my continued education fully funded, internship opportunities, and an affordable living situation that allows me to stay near my sister. The stars seem to have aligned. However, I am acutely aware my stress will greatly increase, and that my free time and energy will severely decrease. Therefore, I wanted to give notice that I might post sporadically, or I may go entirely dark for a bit.
I wish you all the best for the rest of 2022. As this chapter is closing, I hope you are also finding some hope and new beginnings.
- Soundless
Uploading Ireland Photography Soon
So, some context: back in the summer of 2018, I surprisingly received a full scholarship to study Gaeilge (the Irish language) for a month in Ireland as part of an educational exchange. Specifically, I got to study Irish by having an immersive experience in a Connemara Gaeltacht (where Gaeilge is acknowledged as the predominant language). After the program was finished, I traveled around Ireland counties Galway, Kilkenny, Kerry, and Clare for a little over a week (since my allocated trip duration was still active) before returning back home.
I have hundreds of pictures from that trip, but I had around 50 that I meant to upload and apparently forgot about, until I stumbled upon it recently. I will be uploading all of those at once to an appropriately named folder in my gallery, probably within the week. This is to make it convenient to ignore/remove from your notifications, should you wish. Or feel free to go down memory lane with me!
Sorry for the barrage!
- Soundless
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6/28/22 edit: the upload flood is finally over!
December Drivel
I’m preparing for final exams, as well as my last spring semester before I graduate university with my bachelor’s, and I’m simultaneously curious and terrified for the future. I am looking forward to actually having a day with an end cap (excluding overtime), because right now I'm crispy with the never-ending schoolwork burnout. With my birthday coming up soon, I feel even more stuck on the yearly carousel: my horse is going up yet again and I’m getting a little dizzy. What is with getting older and time deciding to sprint?
Thank you for those involved with my newest November Daily Deviation on Pithos. It’s a very personal piece in which my emotions felt very mixed, and it was hard for me to express them, so to see it well-received is a bittersweet feeling. I’m honored, as always.
I’ve been writing a bit recently, but there’s a disconnect. I’ve been feeling wholly uninspired. I’ve mostly used poetry to reframe or express events in my life. I’ve always been strongly impacted and the most creatively inspired by strong emotions connected to relationships; almost like I need to capture every moment like fireflies for later study – understand the bad and immortalize the good. Recently, the relationships in my life have been blessedly balanced, and therefore I have been quietly content. Some interesting pieces have spawned from my recent efforts into self-discovery, although I haven’t decided if I will post those or not. I’ve also been trying to get back into art, when perfectionism isn’t stomping around like Godzilla, so I may upload some more of my sketches or drawings.
A lot of words to say: I don't have a lot planned. I'm going with the flow and trying my best to enjoy the moment.
Happy Holidays to you all.
-Soundless
september has embers
School has started again, and it's a bit like stepping into a strong-flowing river: it always takes me a while to learn to lean against the current.
I'm moving out of the house I grew up in. It's a strange thing, leaving the only home you've ever known. I'm packing away memories and every sign I ever lived here; I'm also leaving my family behind. It's like scrubbing myself out of their lives -- and, in a way, I am scrubbing them out of mine.
Is it strange to leave or lose everything and somehow feel like you've gained? Moving out of old shadows, I see myself in a whole new light. I see so many possibilities for the holes in my life, and I am impatient to start filling them with new experiences, new memories, and new people. It's like watching embers glow back to life. I'm ready to put my past behind me, take off its white bedsheet, and start living.
2020 is the worst
To put it bluntly (because I can't handle it any other way) the cherries on top are my grandma died, and my childhood abuse was resurrected by finding out that, after all this time, the forgiveness and reconciliation I extended to my abuser was based on a lie making me deconstruct every incident and interaction. Oh, and I'm stuck sheltering in place with my abuser amidst all this. It's a fantastic topper to a shitty year thus far.
I've been writing through my issues, so as far as future submissions there is going to be a slew of angst. My stash is currently partitioned into sets of series: 'The Hope Series,' 'The Trauma Series,' 'The Depression Series,' 'The Dead Friendship Series,' 'The Everything Else Series.' If that's not your flavor, maybe check back in about 6 months. I'm hoping for 3, but I have a slow track record with coping.
I just wanted to put a kind of trigger warning, for those of you who may need it, and to also explain any onslaught of crappy and depressing pieces that may ensue. I also just wanted to kind of say hi. It's been awhile. Hope you're doing as well as you can.
Stay safe out there.
-Soundless